So, you’ve moved to Austin (or you’re thinking about it) and want to blend in with the locals? Whether you just escaped from California, fled the frozen tundra up north, or simply crossed the Travis County line, you need to know how to actually become an Austinite. Here’s your no-BS, slightly unhinged guide to mastering life in the Capital of Texas.
1. Speak Like a Local: The Austin Pronunciation Guide
You’ll never be accepted as a true Austinite if you mispronounce the city’s weirdly spelled neighborhoods and streets. Here’s a crash course:
🔹 Guadalupe – GWA-da-loop (not “Gwah-da-LOOP,” unless you want locals to mock you)
🔹 Manchaca – MAN-shack (The ‘cha’ is a lie. Don’t question it.)
🔹 Burnet – BURN-it (Not “Bur-NAY.” This isn’t France.)
🔹 Barton Springs – BAR-tun Springs (Drop that hard ‘T’ like your student loan payments.)
🔹 Pedernales – Perd-nal-is (Don’t hurt yourself trying to pronounce it correctly. Just say it fast and mumble.)
🔹 Koenig – KAY-nig (It should be “KOH-nig,” but we’ve collectively agreed to ignore logic.)
2. Eat Like an Austinite: The Only Food That Matters
If you aren’t obsessing over food in Austin, are you even here? Here’s what you need to consume to earn your honorary “I live in Austin now” card:
🔥 Breakfast Tacos – Not burritos. Not wraps. Tacos. Preferably from Veracruz, Valentina’s, or an East Side trailer you’ll never find again.
🔥 Queso – Liquid gold. If you don’t have a passionate opinion on which queso reigns supreme (Torchy’s, Kerbey Lane, Matt’s El Rancho), you haven’t lived here long enough.
🔥 Franklin’s Brisket – Is it worth the 4-hour wait? That’s an Austin rite of passage. Bonus points if you pretend to have a secret, better barbecue spot.
🔥 Home Slice Pizza – We know. Texas isn’t exactly known for pizza. But this place gets a pass because New Yorkers living in Austin say so.
🔥 Topo Chico – Technically not food, but your bloodstream should be at least 40% Topo at all times.
3. Urban Legends & Things That Keep Austinites Up at Night
Austin isn’t just tacos and live music—it’s got some weird and spooky history, too. Here’s what you should pretend to be an expert on:
👻 The Servant Girl Annihilator – Before Jack the Ripper, Austin had its own serial killer. The Servant Girl Annihilator haunted the city in the 1880s, and no one ever caught him. Sleep tight!
👻 The Driskill Hotel – If you like haunted places, book a stay at the Driskill. Ghosts allegedly roam the halls, probably still waiting for their valet tickets.
👻 The Congress Avenue Bridge Bats – Every night, over 1.5 million bats swarm out from under this bridge. Tourists think it’s magical. Austinites just hope one doesn’t fly into their hair.
4. The Rules of Traffic: Embrace the Chaos
Austin traffic is like a fever dream. To survive it, follow these simple rules:
🚗 I-35 is NEVER the answer – Doesn’t matter what Google Maps says. Find another way. Always.
🚗 Use your turn signals, but not too much – If you signal too soon, people will actively block you from merging. Trust no one.
🚗 Every street has 12 names – You may turn off ‘Loop 1’ onto ‘Mopac,’ and suddenly it’s ‘TX-1’ but also ‘N Lamar’ at the same time. Don’t ask. Just go with it.
🚗 Scooters are out to kill you – If you see a scooter, assume its driver has never operated one before and is actively trying to be on the evening news.
5. Notable Austinites: The Celebrities in Your Backyard
Austin has become a hotspot for celebrities escaping LA. Here are a few famous faces you might run into at Whole Foods or a dive bar on the East Side:
🌟 Matthew McConaughey – The Minister of Culture himself. If you don’t love McConaughey, you need to pack up and leave.
🌟 Elon Musk – The man who moved Tesla to Texas and occasionally tweets things that shake financial markets.
🌟 Joe Rogan – The king of long-winded conversations, conspiracy theories, and podcasting, now based in ATX.
🌟 Sandra Bullock – Low-key lives here, but don’t expect to spot her easily.
🌟 Willie Nelson – The true mayor of Austin. He’s basically Texas royalty.
6. The Legend of Leslie: Austin’s Most Famous Homeless Icon
If you weren’t here for Leslie Cochran, you missed peak Austin. Leslie was a legendary local fixture—an outspoken, thong-wearing, cross-dressing, self-proclaimed mayoral candidate who roamed downtown making sure Austin stayed weird. He was more than a character; he was Austin’s spirit animal.
Leslie’s legacy lives on, and if you ever feel like the city is getting too polished, just whisper, “What would Leslie do?” and go streaking down 6th Street. He would have approved.
7. Events You Must Pretend to Love (Even If You Don’t)
To be a true Austinite, you need to enthusiastically participate in the following events, even if you secretly hate crowds:
🎸 SXSW – This is where people who “work remotely” come to drink $12 beers and pretend they’re discovering the next Billie Eilish.
🎭 ACL (Austin City Limits Festival) – If you didn’t lose your mind in 100-degree weather while watching a band you only kind of like, have you even lived?
🎤 Eeyore’s Birthday Party – A hippie drum circle in Pease Park celebrating a fictional, clinically depressed donkey. Just show up, don’t ask questions.
🚴 The ‘Naked Bike Ride’ – Yes, it’s a thing. No, you can’t unsee it.
Congratulations!
You’re Now (Almost) an Austinite.
You’ve got the pronunciation down, the breakfast taco addiction, and a deep-seated loathing for I-35. You’re well on your way to becoming a full-fledged Austinite. Just remember to never move to the suburbs and still claim you “live in Austin.” We’re watching you.